I wake up happy. I love my life and I truly appreciate everything in my life. I have spent the last nine weeks in quarantine majorly optimistic. I have soothed the nerves of others. Assured my children this too shall pass. I have comforted my loved ones when they were feeling stressed and I can promise you, my positive social media and blog posts are not fake news. This is me.
But today, Monday May 11th, is the day after Mothers day, which also happened to be my birthday. And it was a really good day. I mean, a really good day. Everything felt right in the world. I felt so much love and joy, I almost forgot about the pandemic.
But today, and I don't know why, today I feel defeated. I feel my kids struggling, bored and uninspired; and I am out of ideas for them. I feel my parents frustration and I can't offer any reprieve. I feel my sisters desperation for an escape and I cannot rescue her. I feel the fear and the anger in the air. I feel the stagnancy. It's so thick I can barely breathe.
Which leads me to this very unlike me post. I am having a rough day. I am not myself. I am angry about what we are going through as a family, a community and a Nation. I have tons of questions, with no answers. This very long, drawn out quarantine is not healthy, emotionally or, dare I say, physically. We need to work, we need to be around people and most of all, we need to not be living in fear. This stillness is no longer in the nature of Americans and oooh, how I love to be still. I love that we are finding the little pleasures of life again with the time to relish in the silent beauty of dawn and the ambiance of dusk. Staying still for nine weeks, however, is a bit too much for me.
I am really dancing with my emotions today, and that takes a toll on my whole family. If you are a mom, you understand. It hinders my productivity and cuts my conversations short. How can I speak to people when I am in this state? I am unable to even offer any assistance to my boys today because I am just consumed in my own shit.
I am Blessed with a house, electronics, water and heat. I can find many projects around the house to do or games to play or shows watch. Yes, my business is paused, but we still have food on the table. There are people who would ask me what I have to complain about, and I would say "you are right. I am so Blessed. But, I am not complaining, actually, I feel like I am suffocating and those are two very different things."
This New Normal we keep referring to is not normal at all. I know that we will adjust and adapt to whatever life throws at us. We are humans, the most capable living creatures. We are resilient, smart and can make lemonade from lemons. But this stage we are in right now, this bizarre break from living, is not a normal I want to keep. It's boring, it's bleak and it's making Americans go broke. My kids are at an age where they need socializing, not social distancing. My parents are at an age where they are young enough to still enjoy hanging out with us but old enough that I don't want to waste any time.
I am 41 years old and I am in the prime of my life, and I have spent the last 9 weeks in my house. Sure, I have made the best of it. I have done some great projects and had fun with my husband and kids. But today, I am over it. And tomorrow is a new day, and I am sure I will feel great again. But today, I say, screw this. You can take this New Normal and shove it.
I wanted to share my feelings today, to let you know that we all get weary. I know my purpose is to be a beacon of light and to inspire and motivate but all that would be for nothing if I wasn't honest. I have bad days too. I suffer with you too, perhaps not as often or in the same way, but I do. You are not alone. This New Normal is not Normal at all so don't feel the pressure to accept it today.